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女大学生感染上艾滋病后418天的真实生活

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发表于 2011-6-27 14:01:12 | 显示全部楼层 |阅读模式
  47天绝望期:我每天都想去死
  2004年4月3日下午,系书记把我叫到办公室,找了一间看起来很宽敞,但感觉挺压抑的会议室,客客气气地让我坐在她的旁边,便开始长谈。当她问起我是否有个外国男朋友时,我不解,便没有正面回答。她说:“你知道吗?他感染上艾滋病已经发病了。”什么?此刻的我只觉得天旋地转,全身开始发抖。我知道艾滋病的传染途径呀,我强忍着不让校领导看出我在撒谎。她接着说:“他今天早上已经被送回国了。”谈话持续了四个半小时,我一直坚持着自己的慌言,在校领导的半信半疑中我离开了办公室。
  四月的武汉已到了雨季,晚上正逢雷雨,先是狂风出来肆虐,心力交瘁的我被狂风吹的走路似小跑。我第一次感到了自己的渺小,在疾病和大自然面前无能为力。跌跌撞撞地上到五楼的宿舍,拉开窗户,想采用最直接,最简单的方式来结束自己,不知道老天爷是对发生这件事表示愤怒,还是有些怜悯。总之它闲狂风威力不足,又命令电闪雷鸣,狂风暴雨一起为我的思绪伴奏。我呆站着,欲哭无泪。。。
  我的初恋竟成为自己这一生最灰色的人生基调。我的理想,事业,前途难道就此成了一场虚空?这么多年的坚持和努力竟被注定是没有未来,没有希望的。自己这么年轻,大学还没有毕业,理想中美好的生活还没有开始,却被死神宣布,我的生命就此要划上句号了。
  为什么结果会是这个样子?我平生第一次感觉到了深深的绝望,也许死对我来说是最好的解脱方式。风伴着雨,电依着雷,楼上的窗户也肆无忌惮地相互撞击着。我心情复杂到了极点,说不清是对这个世界还有所眷恋,还是真正的自杀还需要足够大的勇气。总之我犹豫了…
  当天晚上我被校领导隔离到招待所,被规定吃饭必须用一次性碗筷,垃圾要专门安排人来处理,还有我不能随意走动…接下来一段日子便是一系列不平等的歧视行为。我才初步了解到大众对艾滋病的恐慌。
  校学工处处长和我谈话持续到12:30 ,雷雨也似乎要把一个女孩的心彻底击碎才甘心,雨越来越大,风越来越猛,雷越来越响…用谎言送走了领导。我把自己扔在床上,不想开灯,只想沉睡,然后在醒来后告诉自己,所有的一切都是一场噩梦而已。梦醒了,一切的忧虑全都是多余的,我的生活还是以前那样阳光灿烂。然而这不是梦,这是我要面对的残酷的现实。
  我一连几小时专心致志地想关于死的事,也以同样的耐心和方式想过我为什么要出生。这样想了好几年,最后事情终于弄明白了:一个人,出生了,这就不再是一个可以辩论的问题,而只是上帝交给他的一个事实;上帝在交给我们这件事实的时候,已经顺便保证了它的结果,所以死是一件不必急于求成的事,死是一个必然会降临的节日。这样想过之后我安心多了,眼前的一切不再那么可怕。比如你起早熬夜准备考试的时候,忽然想起有一个长长的假期在前面等待你,你会不会觉得轻松一点?并且庆幸并且感激这样的安排?
  剩下的就是怎样活的问题了,这却不是在某一个瞬间就能完全想透的、不是一次性能够解决的事,怕是活多久就要想它多久了,——史铁生
  121天悲怆期:我每天都以泪洗面
  我从来没有如此热爱过自己的生命以及生活的这座城市。然而艾滋病病毒如今却一点点吞掉自己的生命,明明知道自己一步步被病魔逼近,又无能为力,世间还有比这更残忍的事吗?
  好烦,真的好烦、这五个月期间,我一直挣扎在生死边缘,在那些空落的白天后的黑夜,在那些不眠的黑夜后的白天。
  在清醒时想让自己糊涂,在糊涂时又努力寻找清醒。太阳还是那个太阳,月亮依然是昨天的模样。潮起潮落,月圆月缺,万物千古不变地运转着,只有我与这个世界格格不入。情绪时好时坏,谁都救不了我,更没有良药能够恢复我伤痕累累的心。前途一片迷茫,我看不到希望,放弃了追求目标。好想让自己失忆,忘记过去,做一个简简单单的空白人,谁能提供给我后悔的药呢?
  好累。累到骨子里去了,精神恍惚,记忆力迅速衰减。我不知道白昼和黑夜意味要做什么?鸡叫了,天亮了,该起床了。起床做什么?“不知道”。我犹如行尸走肉一样漫无目的地走路,发呆,直到筋疲力尽,抬头看天,已是满天星斗。噢,该睡觉了,睡眠极差,每夜都靠着贝多芬的音乐和床头的杂志催眠。
  “快乐”两个字离我越来越远,现在,我不知道什么叫做快乐?但我清楚地知道什么是真正的绝望?
  我的生活从此被蒙上了阴影,看天天不蓝,看地地不宽。放弃了自己原来可以的一切,成为真正的无产者。真的已一无所有,连最起码的希望也没有了。我很明白自己为什么现在还活着?
  金钱,名誉,权利,地位都是我曾经想要的,可现在它们在我眼里已一文不值,甚至对整个万物都失去了兴趣。人生只不过是时间的积累,生命也相当脆弱,想结束它随时都可以。
  开学的时间到了,我强烈要求回学校继续读书。可校领导用了一个极没有说服力的理由拒绝了我,“学校今年招生比较多,没有宿舍安排给我。”我已经漂泊了五个多月了,需要一个温暖的,安全的环境来疗伤,可我最后的一丝希望也被学校毫不留情地破灭了。。。
  九月的武汉非常热,我站在长江边,泪水和长江水融为一体。好想紧闭双眼,望前挪一步,一切痛苦都可以结束了。可想到我年迈的父母,他们活着的唯一希望就是看着我健康,快乐地长大,上大学,将来找个好工作。。。而我如果这样结束自己,把痛苦都丢给别人,那也太不负责任了。
  我清楚地知道,我不是大学校园的第一个HIV感染者,也不可能是最后一个。难道一感染上HIV病毒,就不能正常完成学业吗?绝对不能让高校开这个先例。为我自己争取权利,也为更多不幸的大学生争取平等待遇。
  青春对于梦想的追求是不计后果的。——巴基斯坦谚语
  143天舔伤期:我每天都在回忆中睡去
  每夜枕着忧愁入眠,回想我和马浪在一起两年的点点滴滴,也许事情从一开始就是个悲剧。遗憾的是“戏”刚开始,还没到精彩片断,男主人公就被确认感染HIV并且已发病,不得不回国治疗。剩下女主人唱独角戏,再也不会精彩了。
  2002年9月我考入中国地质大学外语系,在一次偶尔购物中认识了马浪。我记得那天我去音响店买碟子,看到一个外国人正在很无奈地给那个店员边讲英语边做动作,可惜店员还是不明白。一向热心的我就上前帮助他们解除了尴尬。当我买完碟子出门时,他也追出了门,毕恭毕敬地问我,“May I have your telephone number ?”我先是一楞,最后想交个外国朋友也无妨,说不定他还可以教我学英语呢?我就把我的号码留给了他。
  接下来便是无休止的电话聊天,我了解到他刚来中国,会说的全部汉语就是“你好,谢谢,再见。”他到一个新的地方,语言不通,气候不适应,中国的饭菜吃不习惯,又没有一个亲人,第一次的电话交流具然持续了两个小时,他把到中国来处处碰壁的委屈全部讲给了我,我开始有点同情他,觉得他非常可怜。就答应他,如果你有什么需要帮忙的,我非常乐意帮助。
  他说了很多感激的话。最后加上一句:“我喜欢中国,我喜欢中国人,我最最喜欢中国女孩”。那天的电话就在玩笑中结束了。
  每天保证两次通话已经成了习惯,一月后我们见了面,在一起看圣经,电影。这种关系一直维持到2003年十一月,我们正式确定了恋爱关系。
  我从大学一年级就开始为高年级学生上预备党员辅导课、担任学生干部、学习也比较优秀,从2004年春天迎来了自己的冬天。几个知情的老师显然代表了学校官方的立场和情绪:我被委婉地劝离公寓楼,独处在一间用黑色的窗帘遮蔽起来的屋子里,然后开始撒谎,对同学、对父母、对老师、为了保护自己在这个对艾滋病有不太善良眼光的国度生存,我必须编造一个虚假的世界欺骗别人。更让我难过的是,学校委婉地让我提前毕业,尽管我刚刚念到大二。事实上,除了坚持保留的学籍,我失去了坐在教室的机会。
  其实,每天都想放弃,但是每天又把快要熄灭的生命火焰拾起来,这个小火种经我吹一吹,就有变成心灵的篝火,越燃越旺。——张海迪
  107天平静期:我要养精蓄锐 重新上阵
  当我独自万念俱灰地面对这个残酷的现实时,我也开始慢慢地思考人生了,“我简简单单地来到这个世界,又凄凄残残地在别人不理解的情况下离开,一点痕迹都没有,实在是不值得。”
  我现在要做的,不是怨天尤人,而是要用自己活生生的经历来唤起社会的警觉。我知道伴随着媒体报道的深入,终有一天,我很可能众叛亲离,孤独一生,我的家族也因此蒙羞。
  但此刻我考虑最多得是希望和我一样年轻的大学生或社会青年能引以为戒,不要在重演我的历史,让尽可能少的人来承担这份无辜的痛苦和遗憾。希望大家能把我失败的选择当作一面镜,时刻照清自己的举动。
  现在我基本上可以摆脱痛苦的阴影,翻开了久违的英语课本,准备开始新的生活。回头想想,说实话,我非常感谢这个表面看起来好像很不幸的经历,因为它教会了我怎样去承受痛苦?善待生活。怎样在绝境中寻找希望找回自己存在的价值。怎样学会放弃,做对社会,对自己有意义的事。
  我是2004年10月8日和2005年5月16日去了两次。第一次去,我处于一种比较悲观的状态,自己离死亡线很近啊。
  我感触最深的是,我比他们强,我甚至还能为他们做些什么。他们才是真正的弱者,没有钱,没有知识,没有见过世面,在那里自生自灭。家里连10块钱都拿不出来是什么感觉?他们更需要帮助。在那呆了3天,心情非常沉重,他们更像在地狱里头。我想,不是去救这些艾滋病人,就想救那些可怜的健康孩子们。对于他们,花再多的钱都是没用的,如果他们的孩子不能受到很好的教育,将来又是一条绝路。即便不卖血,也是生活在社会底层,也会发生很多危险难料的事。
  在河南我看到很多可怜的老人失去儿女,此刻我最深的感觉就是,人生最大的痛苦不是自己死,而是看着身边的人离去。。。我承认,我的灵魂已死,只有躯体为了亲人的安慰才活下来的。
  花开花落,每种花都有自己的花期,无论你对它给予多大的希望,它也会枯萎,也会凋谢。生命不也是如此吗?不管花期长短?我们能做花丛中最艳的那枝就足够了。
  用单纯的眼光看世界,用真诚的心态和任何人交流,积极,乐观的态度对待生活。病魔并不可怕,可怕的是你没有健康的心态,真面生活的勇气。
  人生事实上就是一个大悲剧,总有一天,所有的灿烂辉煌都会归于平静。我想对感染者说生活没有对与错,也没有固定的生活模式及唯一的标准答案。苏珊。桑塔格在(疾病的阴喻)一书中所说:“每个降临世间得人都拥有双重公名身份,其一属于健康王国,另一则属于疾病王国。
  不管你属于那一个王国?拥有健康的心态,达观的性格,你才是真正幸福的人。
  每个人都是自然界的一道风景,每件事都是最珍贵的历史资源。请想信,自然界的人无非就两种,一类是制造历史的人,而另一类则是读历史的人。
  我永远都感谢生活,珍惜现在拥有的一切。

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发表于 2014-6-12 10:09:51 | 显示全部楼层

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